Break and Bend : Diaphanous

“Leo, I think I should go to sleep. I don’t wanna be too tired for the tournament tomorrow.”

Leonardo blinked, pulling himself awake from his half drowsed state. He hadn’t realized just how exhausted he had been during the trek from Central Park back to his apartment earlier that night, his thoughts still swept up in ensuring Michelangelo felt as safe as he did warm. Forty minutes and one long shower later, the younger turtle now lay curled up against him as they nestled on his living room sofa, mindlessly staring at whatever silently played on the television.

“The…” Leo slowly blinked again, resisting the urge to yawn, “…the what?”

“You know, the tournament.” Mikey twisted in Leo’s lap, craning his neck to stare up at him, “It’s tomorrow.”

Leo only stared, and then all at once everything came flooding back to him. The tournament. Was this really how everything had all began?

“Um, Mikey,” Leo shifted uncertainly, gently tightening his hold around the other mutant as he answered carefully, “look, I know you were really excited about the tournament and everything. But, right now, I just don’t think it’s a very good-”

“I wonder if Traximus will be there. Probably not since I doubt Raph invited him or anything, but it’d be pretty sweet to meet him in person.”

“Wait, what?” Leo frowned, “Whose Traximus?”

“Raph’s old trainer.”

But…” Leo’s frowned deepened, “How do you know that? I thought you said you weren’t able to watch Raph’s old fights because you didn’t have a tv?”

Mikey immediately broke into a wide grin before he wriggled up and placed a quick, gentle kiss on the underside of Leo’s chin. “Don’t let me sleep in tomorrow. I wanna get in a quick warm-up before we head over to the stadium.”

For a moment Leo only stared, the soft touch of Mikey’s lips brushing against his skin still sending tremors through his heart. But as Mikey shifted back where he sat, snuggling back under the blanket with a small yawn, Leo couldn’t take it a second longer.

“How do you do that?

Mikey glanced back up, “Huh? Do what?

“You know…” Leo’s eyes narrowed, almost though if he studied Mikey hard enough he could figure it all out. That he could somehow see beneath the sparkle and light in those wide pools of blue and discover the true magic that had to be skimming just below the surface, “it’s like you’re always exactly where you need to be. Or you know what needs to be said. Even things you shouldn’t even know about it. We wouldn’t even be here right now if…if you hadn’t said what you did.”

Mikey’s eyes immediately widened, “Oh. That.”

Slowly Mikey leaned forward, and unconsciously Leo did the same until the tips of their noses almost bumped. “Well,” Mikey whispered, hesitating slightly as he glanced around before lowering his voice even more, “I’m kind of a little bit psychic.”

Leo blinked. Then Mikey burst into a nearly uncontainable grin, “Plus, Master Splinter used to write me a LOT of letters when I was growing up.”

Leo instantly pulled back, a rising warmth rapidly rising to his cheeks, “Mikey…”

Without warning Mikey suddenly flung the blanket off of him, jumping with exuberance out of Leo’s lap as he exclaimed, “I’ll get it!”

Leo had barely a chance to open his mouth in confusion when a loud, brash knock echoed from his front door. The younger turtle immediately raced over to it, yanking it open with an oddly expectant, “You made it!”

Mikey wasted no time in tackling their midnight guest with a flying hug. Leo was quick to extract himself from the couch, curiously making his way over to the door, when he was stopped in his tracks as the familiar, gruff voice reached his ears, “Paws off chucklehead? Where’s Leo?”

“What the…” Leo stopped, “Raphael? What are you doing here?”

Leo was finally able to lay eyes on the larger turtle, just as he unceremoniously shoved Mikey away from him and clomped inside the room. His boots were caked in slush and flecks of snow stuck his clothes. Shadows crept into the hollows of his face, and his shoulders drooped. He looked exhausted.

“We need to talk.” Raph said flatly, “Now.”

“Wait, how did you get in here? This is a private building.”

“Your doorman thought I was you. Let me right in. Fuckin’ moron.”

Mikey shook his head and tutted, “You know Leo, you really should talk to him about that.”

“Hold on, back up. Raphael, how did you even know I lived here?” Leo reached out and gently pulled Mikey back away from Raph, deciding perhaps it was best to give the larger mutant a wide berth at the moment. Still, he couldn’t help but try to usher Raph back onto the doormat as he closed the door behind him, eyeing the snow and mud still slathered all over Raph’s shoes, “What have you been doing? Walking through the city all night?”

“Not important right now Leo.” Raph snapped, “I need ya to tell me where I can find Donnie.”

“What?” Leo immediately stiffened, taking his own step back away and he resisted the urge to cross his arms. It was only now did he notice the familiar satchel strapped around Raph’s shoulder, and his shoulders twitched involuntarily, “Is that Donatello’s bag? Why do you have that?”

“Because he left it behind. Now tell me where he is.”

Although Raph took a step forward, Leo remained rooted to the spot. He could feel his throat tightening. It only now occurred to him that the last time he had even spoken with his younger brother was over the phone when he had been searching for Mikey. It felt like it had been days. Still, Leo kept his voice controlled.

“You were with him? Why do you need to find him if you were just together?”

“Because,” Raph said again, though his voice was beginning to rise, his knuckles growing visibly white, “I needed some time to think, okay? I fucked up, I said some things I shouldn’t have and...” Raph stopped, his gaze suddenly flicking rapidly between Leo and Mikey before he suddenly pushed through them both, clomping further into the living room before he spun around furiously, “Jesus Christ, Leo! Can ya just tell me where to find him?”

Leo didn’t answer. He could see the red that rimmed the outline of Raph’s eyes, a desperation that sparked out that looked all too familiar. Even through all his yelling, there was something tugging at each word Raph spoke. Something that dug deep into Leo’s chest and begged to be set free at last.

That was it.

Raph knew the truth.

Quietly Leo took a step forward, and when he answered his voice was calm, “Raphael, I think you should go home now.”

“Goddamnit Leo, I just wanna-

“I know what you want to do.” Leo said, and as he lifted his chin his voice grew firmer, “And I’m telling you to leave my brother alone.”

Raph opened his mouth to respond, but as Leo set his jaw and matched his gaze, the larger turtle fell silent. A realization slowly crept onto his features, and he numbly closed his mouth back shut.

Leo’s temples ached as the thundering of his heartbeat grew more and more powerful with each breath, yet he kept himself squarely set in front of the other mutant. Slowly he curled his fingers inward in hopes of disguising how they had begun to quiver. There was no backing down now.  He had failed Donatello too many times already.

There was a loud clearing of a throat from the other side of the room, and Mikey’s nervous chuckle suddenly filled the room before he inched back a step, “Um, I think I’m gonna go check on Klunk.” He muttered as he backed up, “Haven’t, uh, seen her in a while.”

Leo almost wanted to sigh as Mikey slipped out from the room and into his bedroom. The door snapped shut after him.

Yet as he turned his gaze back to Raph he was quick to regain his composure. Raph still showed no sign of surrendering, and with a diplomatic calmness, Leo took a step to the side as he motioned to the door. “Good bye Raphael.”

“Just gimme a break-”

“I said you need to go now.”

“Tell me where he is!”

“No!” Leo’s voice echoed inside his own head, and his chest was suddenly on fire. He quickly tried to inhale, to quell the rapid racing of his heart, but as he locked gazes with Raph it was all he could muster to keep himself from shouting again. “Look, I know I haven’t exactly been big brother of the year, okay? No one knows that better than me-”

“Not even Donnie?”

Leo winced.

Fuck.

“Despite what you might think, I do care about Donatello a great deal.” Leo’s words could barely escape his clenched teeth, but he forced out a steady breath and pressed on, “I know I’ve messed up. Badly. But I’m not going to stand by and let him keep getting hurt. Not by me, and especially not from you.”

He prepared himself for retaliation, and for a moment Raphael’s fists quivered dangerously at his sides. Leo didn’t care. He pulled himself up to his full height. Let Raph come.

But then Raph seemed to falter. His shoulders drooped, and for a quick moment he almost looked smaller.

No.

It was worse than that.

There was something inside Raph just as dark as the nightmares living in Leo’s own head. It was eating him alive. And there was only one way to stop it.

“I just wanna talk to him.”

“Well you’re not going to talk to him like this. He needs time alone, and you are going to respect that.”

“Leo-”

“No. Just, listen to me Raphael.” Leo paused, and for a moment he closed his eyes and steadied his voice. But he quickly cleared his throat, forcing the hesitation away. There wasn’t any more time for second guessing. “Donatello’s gone through a lot of shit in his life and I haven’t exactly made it any easier for him. And don’t you dare stand there and pretend you like haven’t played your own hand it in as well. You know exactly what I’m talking about and we both need to own up to our mistakes. We owe him that.”

The words felt foreign in his mouth, and that realization made Leo’s skin crawl. Was it really so difficult to stand up for the one he called brother?

For a few seconds Raph studied him before he breathed in deeply and narrowed his eyes, almost as though making up for his former vulnerability. Puffing himself up, he crossed his arms tight across his plastron. When he spoke his words sounded deliberate, “So you know what…who Donnie used to be?”

Leo hesitated. “Yes.”

He wanted Raphael to leave. This wasn’t exactly how he’d imagined it would go. Did it have to be Raph? Of all the people.

“But I didn’t always know.” Leo finally tore his gaze away. He couldn’t keep looking. Everything was suddenly too bright and he rubbed his temples, but still there was nowhere else to go.

Raph was still looking at him. He was waiting.

“Three years ago, Master Splinter brought Donatello into our home. I wasn’t allowed to see him. I didn’t know who he was or where he had come from. It was weeks before I first even heard his name. All I knew was that he was very troubled, and for whatever reason it was our responsibility to help him get better.”

Leo didn’t bother looking at Raph’s face as he spoke. It wouldn’t have helped anyway.

“When Master Splinter finally allowed me to visit with Donatello it was clear he was still extremely sick. He was kept in his room to rest, and Master Splinter would spend hours with him every day. When I was first permitted to see him, it was never for longer than a few minutes at time, and Donatello almost always slept or listened to music. He didn’t speak to me and if I wanted to say anything, I had to keep as quiet as possible and never ask him questions. That was all I was ever allowed to know for a long time. Simply that Donatello was in a very dark place emotionally, and that someone…had hurt him very badly.”

Raphael openly winced. Leo glanced back at him, yet even so Raph cleared his throat and nodded, “But eventually you learned the truth.”

“Yes. Eventually.”  

Leo sighed, the words slowly dying down in his chest, and a thick, painful aching quickly rose up in its place. He blinked rapidly, almost turning back to the door, to force Raphael out once and for all. But even before he looked back to meet Raph’s face, he knew there was no point in it.

There was no more hiding from any of it. Not when everyone already knew the truth. Someone just needed to finally speak up and say it.

“The process was slow. When he finally spoke to me it was like he had been waiting for years just for somebody to hear him. The scars were beginning to heal but the pain still lingered, even though he would never say why. But even so, my father always tried to protect me for as long as he could manage. Despite everything he went through with Donatello, it wasn’t until he was driven to his deathbed did he finally reveal to me where-”

“Wait.”

Leo turned back to Raph and he realized the other turtle was frowning at him. He hesitated. “What?”

“Waddya mean? Master Splinter was…driven to his death?”

“Well, after Donatello-”

Raphael took a small step back from him and Leo’s word faded from his lips. He tried to clear his throat, but it was too late. The expression on Raph’s face made his stomach twist, and when Raph spoke again his words sent icy torrents of unexpected shocks coursing up through his spine.

“Ya blame Donnie for Master Splinter’s death, don’t ya?”

Leo froze. For a moment he was afraid to breathe, but even the sound of silence was suddenly unbearable. He was swallowed hard but already he was falling away, back to that very night where even his father’s cold, lifeless paw had been snatched away from him, guarded by the terrified howls of the nightmarish creature that had caused it all.

Finally Leo forced himself to speak and when he answered his words were hardly more than a hollow whisper, “You weren’t there.”

He couldn’t read Raph’s face. He could hardly see it at all through the stinging drops that had grown over his eyes. There was only silence and the thundering crash of his own heart, threatening with each beat to choke the air right out of his lungs.

Finally Raph took a step away, brushing past Leo as he headed toward the exit. Their shoulders bumped, and he heard Raph sigh.

“Ya blame him still for too much Leo.”

Then Raph continued walking. There was a click, and the door creaked open.

Leo spun around.

Wait. That couldn’t be it. He couldn’t just walk away now. Not like this.

He couldn’t just let Raph think…he couldn’t let any of them think this was how he truly felt about Donatello. About his little brother. It wasn’t right.

“You were right about Angel.”

Raph stopped and glanced back over his shoulder curiously. Leo swallowed, not sure where the words came from, but he went with it anyway. Anything to get Raph to stop. To make him listen.

He had to understand just what he was getting himself into.

“Everything you said,” Leo continued, “I mean, what you told me about her and that dragon tattoo. You were right. You were right about all of it.”

Raph turned back to face him. Finally he shook his head. “I’m sorry that I had to be.”

Leo took a moment, resisting the urge to shake his head and clear out all of the lies and filth. But his heart was starting to steady, and he could take a step forward without shaking anymore. This was how it was supposed to be. This was how he needed to protect those who needed him.

He drew in a breath and his voice was calm, “You warned me about her from your own history with the Purple Dragons. You weren’t just going on gut extinct or trying to get inside my head. You knew what her tattoo meant and the mistake I had made in welcoming her into the studio.”

“Yeah well, like I said, I’ve dealt with the Purple Dragons before.”

“Exactly.” Leo nodded, “You gave me a warning based off personal experience. I should have listened to you, or at least considered your warning. But I didn’t. I thought I knew better, and because of that I almost lost someone tonight that I care about very much.”

Raph’s eyes narrowed for just a moment, before his expression slowly softened and his eyes flicked over to the closed bedroom door. He studied it, though he was quick to return his gaze back to Leo, “You mean Mike.”

A hard lump suddenly lodged in Leo’s throat. He blinked rapidly and tried to force it back down as he nodded.

“I’m trying to do the same for you now Raphael. I know you want to help Donatello. I know…I know that you care about him deeply.”

Raph’s eyes widened. But before he could respond, Leo quickly continued, “But I have lived with him through things you can’t even begin to imagine. I know the way he thinks, and I know how he handles stress and things that frighten him. Raphael, you have to believe me when I tell you that he will never come to you, me, or anyone else so long as we keep pushing ourselves on him. He has to make that choice himself for any of this to have a chance of ever working.”

There.

Leo’s words hung between them with a final note of authority, and even through all the panic, fear and uncertainty, there was something even more important waiting at the end of it all. It didn’t matter that his head thundered with the sound of his heartbeat, or that his entire body shook uncontrollably. It didn’t matter if Raph understood what he was trying to say at all.

Leo loved his little brother. This he knew. Everything was going to be alright.

But then Raph spoke.

“Does he know he has that choice to begin with?”

Leo stopped.

What?

Without warning the door to Leo’s bedroom snapped open, and Mikey’s head instantly popped out. Leo almost didn’t notice him at first, still trapped in the daze Raph’s words had so completely shrouded around him.

How could he even begin to answer such a question?

“Um, Leo? I think Klunk got sick.”

At last Leo blinked out of his stupor, glancing back over at the youngest turtle, “Huh?”

“Yeah,” Mikey grinned sheepishly as he fully stepped out of the bedroom, “Um, I was playing with her and I think I got her too excited. She hid under your bed and then I heard…uh…well it didn’t sound pretty.”

Mikey’s words finally sunk in and Leo blinked a few times, resisting the urge to sigh. But Raph was still staring at him, his unanswered question still lingering behind. Their eyes met, and for a moment Leo almost wavered. Yet he was quick to suck in a deep breath, straightening up as he forced the doubt away.

He had made his decision. He was going to keep Don safe the best way he knew how. At the very least, Don deserved that from him.

Without another word, Leo nodded firmly at Raph before he disappeared inside his bedroom. He didn’t notice when Mikey didn’t immediately follow after him. And he didn’t care that the look of unshaken stubbornness had remained etched into Raph’s features as he had walked away. Without his help, Raph was never going to find Don, and they both knew it.

There was nothing left for Raph here. With a defeated sigh, he finally turned and trudged back to the front door. Though no less than a second later did he once again find himself nearly tackled with an overenthusiastic hug from the remaining turtle in the room.

“See you tomorrow Raph!”

“Mike, for the last time,” Raph growled threateningly, but he stopped in surprise when Mikey suddenly released his hold and took a step back with a wide smile. Raph frowned, glaring in annoyance before he rolled his eyes and turned back away. Then he stopped and looked down. There was something in his right hand that hadn’t been there before.

It was a key. Silver and dull, it had the numbers 117 engraved on one side. It was connected to a rubber keychain, imprinted with the name WILLOW DALE APARTMENTS.

“Be gentle with him this time, yeah?”

Raph’s head snapped up and he nearly jumped. Mikey was watching him, and there was solemnness in his gaze, a flicker of something frightened that almost made Raph’s heart ache. Mikey knew. Whatever it was, Mikey knew.

But instead Raph clenched his fingers tight around the key, his lips curling into a smirk and he nodded, “You got it.”

In a snap the fear was gone. Mikey instantly broke out into a wide grin, and even as Raph stepped out into the hall, he couldn’t help but to let out a small chuckle or two of his own. He could breathe again.

But more importantly, there was hope again.